Note: This post is a response to the man who wrote The Worst ‘It Was Nice Meeting You’ Email You Have Ever Read, thankfully shared by Marc Ensign. Go to Marc’s blog and read it first if you haven’t already. Don’t worry, I’ll still be here when you get back.
Dear fellow networking event attendee,
I’m not sure if we got to meet at last night’s event, but you have my email and so we must have, unless someone who desperately wanted to get away from you gave you my card in hopes that you would just leave him alone. Probably the latter, because I’m relatively sure I’d remember meeting someone as spectacularly deluded as yourself, but you never know. Some of the craziest people seem perfectly normal if you don’t actually have a conversation with them.
I totally understand about the mass email. I find that most semi-professional networkers don’t bother themselves with making personal connections in their networks; usually only the professional networkers do.
I must say, I was very intrigued by your request. I have been looking for a new career direction and after reading your email, I drew up a business plan that would enable me to make a living and have all the plastic surgery a girl could ever dream of.
Do you have some other surgeon friends who would be willing to provide stipends and/or perform procedures for similar services? My father needs a kidney transplant and I figured if you knew a good, single transplant surgeon, I’d only have to get him maybe 1,000 dates and WHAMMO! Free transplant.
Now that I’m thinking about it, this could bring about wholesale change in the entire healthcare field.
Obamacare? Snobamacare. This is the healthcare revolution we’ve all been waiting for. I drew up a preliminary “price list” and would love your feedback:
- Annual routine checkup: Five solid leads or two actual dates, whichever comes first.
- Emergency visit: 5 dates with the same lady (7 if projectile vomiting is involved. With the emergency visit, not the dates.)
- Mammogram: “Mammogram” (I think you know what I mean, wink, wink)
I have a few questions about the ladies you’d consider for these dates, too.
Would the women I set you up with be eligible for plastic surgery? What if a woman is just a 6 or 7 on the looks list, but meets all your other criteria? Would you consider giving her latisse (I had to look that up; I had no idea that a lack of eyelashes was such a severe crisis in women’s healthcare) or botox? I’d even be willing to forego my own if that meant the difference between a yes or a no.
I’ve really wanted to have Lasek for a while, so I can’t wait to start setting you up with the ladies I have in mind. One of them might be a 5 in your book, but I’m sure if you just give her a nose job and tummy tuck, she’ll be a solid 7.5, if not an 8. And if she’s a size 4, you could just give her liposuction, right? I figure, if you have the skills, why not use them for your own benefit? Though I guess it’s not the same if you have to work so hard to get what you want.
Any Christian denomination is OK, right? There are some hotties at the Westboro Baptist Church protests; I’m sure I could get a couple of them to date you. They didn’t go to college, but what they lack in intellect, they make up for in pliability, I’m sure. And values? They have values APLENTY. Main problem is, they probably want children now. Also: Do you require a fertility test? Asking for a friend.
Please get back to me at your earliest convenience; I’m eager to get started on my new career. Please set aside some dates for my procedures; your dance card’s gonna be full soon!
Photo (and flyer) by Jeff Moriarty via Flickr Creative Commons.